Day 4

Day 3 was . . . uhm . . .


I organized more at work
I didn't drink an frickin soda
I was in bed at 10:55
I stayed in my WW points


And I smoked.


It's like my brain imploded and I had no logical thought. It was awesome, for about 5 cigarettes. Then the guilt came. See, this is how I roll. Set goals, fail, beat myself up, try again. I should be really proud that I'm doing great in the other areas, but I can't get past not being perfect.


To be honest, I'm putting the not smoking on hold for the weekend. I have to travel with students who I don't want to hate me . . . and they might if they are hit with the full no-smoke-bitch. Yes yes yes - this is me rationalizing.  Maybe trying to do all this at once is too much. Or maybe it's just the smoking that is too much? Surprisingly, I'm doing really well with the other goals I set for myself.


Today I felt like snacking all day, so I ate 5 mini meals. Good plan, stayed within my points.
I drank equal amounts of coffee, crystal light & water - but no soda. Eating well and staying away from soda are both going to be a challenge this weekend while on the road with the forensics team.
I organized more in the kitchen and did a load of laundry. Oh, and I'm off to bed in 10 minutes.


Forgive forgive forgive. That's what has to happen.

Day 2 . . . This sucks.

Stopped by Walgreens on my way to school to pick up some nicotine patches. Slapped one on when I got to work and went to teach my 8am class. After attendance, I'm previewing what we're going to cover and glance out the window - to see someone sucking on a sweet-sweet cancer stick. And at that moment, I WANTED ONE. At the end of class, I wanted one. Walking across campus for my 11am class, I inhaled deeply each time I passed a smoker. Walking back across campus for my 12:30 class I fantasized snatching a cigarette from an unsuspecting smoker and tearing off down the ally to smoke it. In the middle of the afternoon I imagined ripping off my nicotine patch on my way home, stopping at the Kwik Trip, buying a pack, and smoking the whole thing in about an hour. On the way home at 4:30 I drove a new route home - one that doesn't go by my beautiful, lovely Kwik Trip. I've thought about smoking approximately 137 times since I got home 3 1/2 hours ago.

But no, I haven't smoked.

This is the point I usually say, screw it - I'm going to smoke - I deserve to do what I want - I've earned this - No one will ever know - I'll start again tomorrow - It's not that big of a deal - etc - etc - etc. Even as I type this, the desire to go to Kwik Trip and buy a pack of Virginia Slim Menthol Ultra Lights is OVERWHELMING. It's fucked up how the brain works trying to get off nicotine. I've read that nicotine withdrawl actually makes your brain 'panic', which can intefere with rational thinking. Makes sense. My guess is that most bank robberies and murders are committed by people withdrawling from nicotine.

In other areas, I did get in bed at 10:15 last night. Yipee. (Is my nicotine-craving-bitterness showing? Really? Who the fuck asked you?)

Today, I didn't drink any soda. I have a little more of a headache today that I think is from the bubble-withdrawl.

I made this YUMMY strawberry smoothie that upped my protein and helped me stay within my WW points. Actually - this picture is the very last slurp. It was delicious!

I did some kitchen organizing tonight. I use one of my counters as a sort of "catch-all" for mail, to-do lists, etc. It is now cleaned off! I also picked up some clutter around the house. Tomorrow I'm going to start putting away summer clothes and pulling out winter stuff - that will be a BIG project!

I think I need some kind of "reward" for myself at the end of the month - if I survive! I'm going to NYC the day after this little experiment is done, so it may be something to do with that trip. Suggestions?

More Day 1

Thank you Jesus for the nicotine patch. I've actually been doing pretty good today with the not smoking. Though I just realized I don't have any step one patches for tomorrow, only step two . . . may have to make an emergency trip to Walgreens on my way to class. The first day of not smoking is always fairly easy. It's days 2-5 which suck. Here's to not killing anyone tomorrow.

My eating healthy wasn't really very inspired, but I stayed within my allotted points. It helps when I don't have a lot of "snacking" options available - if it's not around, I can't eat it! I still have a few points I need to eat today to get my minimum in, though I may drink them in the form of a glass of wine :-)

No soda was probably the most challenging part of my day. Everywhere I turned, there it was, mocking me. I drank way, way too much coffee which I'm going to try not to do tomorrow - no coffee after noon! Wanting something different to drink in the afternoon, I actually chose some skim milk. The milk and a Fiber One bar made a great afternoon snack!

I was very happy to have cleaned off my desk. That was my organizational challenge of the day. Tomorrow, I'm going to organize something in my kitchen!

I plan on being in bed at 10pm tonight and will read until I'm tired, which hopefully won't take too long.

All in all, the first day has been good - but I think that's the excitement of the first day! As these changes become habits, I'm afraid boredom will set in, and then the real challenge begins!

Day 1 . . .

 . . . going OK so far. Right now, my desire for a soda supercedes my desire for a cigarette.


Give me about 3 hours and the bitchy should begin.

Oh - my organization is done for the day as I cleaned off my desk at work :-)

The plan . . .

So, my big change list:  Smoking, drinking soda, eating unhealthy, not getting enough sleep, and living unorganized. How am I going to change these things for 30 days? Luckily, I have a plan. I like plans. Give me rules, and I'll follow them. I'm a little addicted to planning. Actually, I'm addicted to a lot of things . . . see above list. To break some addictions, here's the plan:


1. Smoking. Uh, not gonna smoke. I'm going to use nicotine patches. And probably swear a lot.


2. Drinking soda. I love soda. Next to coffee, it is my beverage of choice. I drink a lot of it. Seriously, a whole lot. Granted, it's diet soda that I drink, but I need to kick this habit. It makes me crave sweets and is killing my teeth. So buh bye soda, hello water and crystal light!


3. Eating unhealthy. This is a little more complicated. I'm going to follow WW points and log them online every single day. Following WW points forces me to eat healthier since I have to stay within the allotted daily points. I like the WW program, I just usually have a day or two I ignore the program. Well, that won't happen this month! I'll also be weighing in every Tuesday. I'm not looking to lose a bunch of weight, just feel better.


4. Not getting enough sleep. I love to play on the computer, and sometimes I get so engrossed in youtube videos or some dumb game that before I know it, it's way late at night. It is really affecting my sleep and my sleeping patterns. So, for the next 30 days, I'm going to be in bed between 10-11pm every night. Also, the computer is moving back to the computer desk instead of on my lap. My computer chair sucks, so I figure that will help cut down on my computer time as well!


5. I've lived in this 3 bedroom house for over 10 years and I'm really starting to realize just how much CRAP I have! Closets & cupboards are full to bursting and are so flippin unorganized. Since I can't really afford a professional organizer, I'm going to hire myself. One thing, every day I'm home gets organized. A drawer, a closet, a cupboard - just one thing every day. The only exceptions are days I'm not here because of forensics.


Well. That's a do-able plan. My thirty days starts tomorrow, October 11th. Crazy will begin shortly thereafter. Shit.

It's got me thinking . . .

 . . . about how I self sabatoge. I have a desire to change in order to become a happier, more content person. But then I fall into the common American way of thinking - I deserve to be happy! So screw changing myself for the better! I'm not happy if I can't do Everything. I. Want.

And then I'm even more unhappy with myself. It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps, I'm a weak, pathetic, lazy, hopeless human being? No, I don't think so. Scared human being? Yep, that's it. Terrified of living without things I find "comforting".

What am I thinking about giving up for 30 days? Smoking, drinking soda, eating unhealthy, not getting enough sleep, and living unorganized. Those are the big 5. Are there other things I need to "fix" with me? Sure, but those are the things I beat myself up about the most.

I'm not going to wonder if I can change all those things for 30 days, because I just have to decide I'm going to. I am going to wonder what will happen when I do. Will the panic of such drastic change have a significant psychological impact? Will my irritation, anger, unhappiness at living life in a different way evolve itself into a sense of pride, accomplishment, and ultimately more happiness?

I know I need a plan . . .  so I'm going to do some planning now . . .

What would happen if . . .

 . . . I changed everything I wished I could change about myself

for thirty days.

Would I lose my mind? Be completely pissed off??  End up in a corner humming and sucking my thumb??? More importantly - what 5 things would I change? What are the top 5 things I wish I would just FIX about myself?

DAY TWO

I actually started this big 30 day experiment yesterday, on May 1st. It was a day of distraction. I spent time with friends in the morning, graded for a couple of hours and then headed out to work. I didn't smoke, but I did EAT. Every time I got in my car, I sucked on life savers or chewed gum, and I think I snacked non-stop through the day . . . but I didn't smoke.Today was a repeat of the first day, wit an added bonus of about an hour that was really bitchy.  Tomorrow will be hard because it's back to work, which will be another schedule to adjust to! Surviving so far.

30 days of . . .

NOT SMOKING.

There. I said it. I could count on all my fingers and toes, and the fingers and toes of several other people, just how many times I've said I was going to quit smoking. I've tried medication, the patch, nicotine gum, hypnotism, electronic cigs . . . and I've quit for a week, a month, once even for over a year. But the nicodemon always draws me back in.

Then I went and signed up for a triathalon. Yes . . . I'm going to have to swim, bike and run my way to a finish line. And I can't do that if I smoke. The most motivated I've ever been to quit was when I quit smoking before my bariatric surgery - if any nicotine was found in my system, the surgery was off. Quitting was not easy, but was also the only option I had. I don't think I can train for this triathalon as a smoker. And I need to do this triathalon.

So . . . for the next 30 days, no smoking. I'm going to wear a nicotine patch, chew nicotine gum as needed and try not to eat everything in sight. Along the way, I hope to explore why I have such an emotional and identity attachment to smoking. And I'll probably be bitchy for a while. That'll be fun . . .