Day 4

Day 3 was . . . uhm . . .


I organized more at work
I didn't drink an frickin soda
I was in bed at 10:55
I stayed in my WW points


And I smoked.


It's like my brain imploded and I had no logical thought. It was awesome, for about 5 cigarettes. Then the guilt came. See, this is how I roll. Set goals, fail, beat myself up, try again. I should be really proud that I'm doing great in the other areas, but I can't get past not being perfect.


To be honest, I'm putting the not smoking on hold for the weekend. I have to travel with students who I don't want to hate me . . . and they might if they are hit with the full no-smoke-bitch. Yes yes yes - this is me rationalizing.  Maybe trying to do all this at once is too much. Or maybe it's just the smoking that is too much? Surprisingly, I'm doing really well with the other goals I set for myself.


Today I felt like snacking all day, so I ate 5 mini meals. Good plan, stayed within my points.
I drank equal amounts of coffee, crystal light & water - but no soda. Eating well and staying away from soda are both going to be a challenge this weekend while on the road with the forensics team.
I organized more in the kitchen and did a load of laundry. Oh, and I'm off to bed in 10 minutes.


Forgive forgive forgive. That's what has to happen.

Day 2 . . . This sucks.

Stopped by Walgreens on my way to school to pick up some nicotine patches. Slapped one on when I got to work and went to teach my 8am class. After attendance, I'm previewing what we're going to cover and glance out the window - to see someone sucking on a sweet-sweet cancer stick. And at that moment, I WANTED ONE. At the end of class, I wanted one. Walking across campus for my 11am class, I inhaled deeply each time I passed a smoker. Walking back across campus for my 12:30 class I fantasized snatching a cigarette from an unsuspecting smoker and tearing off down the ally to smoke it. In the middle of the afternoon I imagined ripping off my nicotine patch on my way home, stopping at the Kwik Trip, buying a pack, and smoking the whole thing in about an hour. On the way home at 4:30 I drove a new route home - one that doesn't go by my beautiful, lovely Kwik Trip. I've thought about smoking approximately 137 times since I got home 3 1/2 hours ago.

But no, I haven't smoked.

This is the point I usually say, screw it - I'm going to smoke - I deserve to do what I want - I've earned this - No one will ever know - I'll start again tomorrow - It's not that big of a deal - etc - etc - etc. Even as I type this, the desire to go to Kwik Trip and buy a pack of Virginia Slim Menthol Ultra Lights is OVERWHELMING. It's fucked up how the brain works trying to get off nicotine. I've read that nicotine withdrawl actually makes your brain 'panic', which can intefere with rational thinking. Makes sense. My guess is that most bank robberies and murders are committed by people withdrawling from nicotine.

In other areas, I did get in bed at 10:15 last night. Yipee. (Is my nicotine-craving-bitterness showing? Really? Who the fuck asked you?)

Today, I didn't drink any soda. I have a little more of a headache today that I think is from the bubble-withdrawl.

I made this YUMMY strawberry smoothie that upped my protein and helped me stay within my WW points. Actually - this picture is the very last slurp. It was delicious!

I did some kitchen organizing tonight. I use one of my counters as a sort of "catch-all" for mail, to-do lists, etc. It is now cleaned off! I also picked up some clutter around the house. Tomorrow I'm going to start putting away summer clothes and pulling out winter stuff - that will be a BIG project!

I think I need some kind of "reward" for myself at the end of the month - if I survive! I'm going to NYC the day after this little experiment is done, so it may be something to do with that trip. Suggestions?

More Day 1

Thank you Jesus for the nicotine patch. I've actually been doing pretty good today with the not smoking. Though I just realized I don't have any step one patches for tomorrow, only step two . . . may have to make an emergency trip to Walgreens on my way to class. The first day of not smoking is always fairly easy. It's days 2-5 which suck. Here's to not killing anyone tomorrow.

My eating healthy wasn't really very inspired, but I stayed within my allotted points. It helps when I don't have a lot of "snacking" options available - if it's not around, I can't eat it! I still have a few points I need to eat today to get my minimum in, though I may drink them in the form of a glass of wine :-)

No soda was probably the most challenging part of my day. Everywhere I turned, there it was, mocking me. I drank way, way too much coffee which I'm going to try not to do tomorrow - no coffee after noon! Wanting something different to drink in the afternoon, I actually chose some skim milk. The milk and a Fiber One bar made a great afternoon snack!

I was very happy to have cleaned off my desk. That was my organizational challenge of the day. Tomorrow, I'm going to organize something in my kitchen!

I plan on being in bed at 10pm tonight and will read until I'm tired, which hopefully won't take too long.

All in all, the first day has been good - but I think that's the excitement of the first day! As these changes become habits, I'm afraid boredom will set in, and then the real challenge begins!

Day 1 . . .

 . . . going OK so far. Right now, my desire for a soda supercedes my desire for a cigarette.


Give me about 3 hours and the bitchy should begin.

Oh - my organization is done for the day as I cleaned off my desk at work :-)

The plan . . .

So, my big change list:  Smoking, drinking soda, eating unhealthy, not getting enough sleep, and living unorganized. How am I going to change these things for 30 days? Luckily, I have a plan. I like plans. Give me rules, and I'll follow them. I'm a little addicted to planning. Actually, I'm addicted to a lot of things . . . see above list. To break some addictions, here's the plan:


1. Smoking. Uh, not gonna smoke. I'm going to use nicotine patches. And probably swear a lot.


2. Drinking soda. I love soda. Next to coffee, it is my beverage of choice. I drink a lot of it. Seriously, a whole lot. Granted, it's diet soda that I drink, but I need to kick this habit. It makes me crave sweets and is killing my teeth. So buh bye soda, hello water and crystal light!


3. Eating unhealthy. This is a little more complicated. I'm going to follow WW points and log them online every single day. Following WW points forces me to eat healthier since I have to stay within the allotted daily points. I like the WW program, I just usually have a day or two I ignore the program. Well, that won't happen this month! I'll also be weighing in every Tuesday. I'm not looking to lose a bunch of weight, just feel better.


4. Not getting enough sleep. I love to play on the computer, and sometimes I get so engrossed in youtube videos or some dumb game that before I know it, it's way late at night. It is really affecting my sleep and my sleeping patterns. So, for the next 30 days, I'm going to be in bed between 10-11pm every night. Also, the computer is moving back to the computer desk instead of on my lap. My computer chair sucks, so I figure that will help cut down on my computer time as well!


5. I've lived in this 3 bedroom house for over 10 years and I'm really starting to realize just how much CRAP I have! Closets & cupboards are full to bursting and are so flippin unorganized. Since I can't really afford a professional organizer, I'm going to hire myself. One thing, every day I'm home gets organized. A drawer, a closet, a cupboard - just one thing every day. The only exceptions are days I'm not here because of forensics.


Well. That's a do-able plan. My thirty days starts tomorrow, October 11th. Crazy will begin shortly thereafter. Shit.

It's got me thinking . . .

 . . . about how I self sabatoge. I have a desire to change in order to become a happier, more content person. But then I fall into the common American way of thinking - I deserve to be happy! So screw changing myself for the better! I'm not happy if I can't do Everything. I. Want.

And then I'm even more unhappy with myself. It's a vicious cycle. Perhaps, I'm a weak, pathetic, lazy, hopeless human being? No, I don't think so. Scared human being? Yep, that's it. Terrified of living without things I find "comforting".

What am I thinking about giving up for 30 days? Smoking, drinking soda, eating unhealthy, not getting enough sleep, and living unorganized. Those are the big 5. Are there other things I need to "fix" with me? Sure, but those are the things I beat myself up about the most.

I'm not going to wonder if I can change all those things for 30 days, because I just have to decide I'm going to. I am going to wonder what will happen when I do. Will the panic of such drastic change have a significant psychological impact? Will my irritation, anger, unhappiness at living life in a different way evolve itself into a sense of pride, accomplishment, and ultimately more happiness?

I know I need a plan . . .  so I'm going to do some planning now . . .

What would happen if . . .

 . . . I changed everything I wished I could change about myself

for thirty days.

Would I lose my mind? Be completely pissed off??  End up in a corner humming and sucking my thumb??? More importantly - what 5 things would I change? What are the top 5 things I wish I would just FIX about myself?

DAY TWO

I actually started this big 30 day experiment yesterday, on May 1st. It was a day of distraction. I spent time with friends in the morning, graded for a couple of hours and then headed out to work. I didn't smoke, but I did EAT. Every time I got in my car, I sucked on life savers or chewed gum, and I think I snacked non-stop through the day . . . but I didn't smoke.Today was a repeat of the first day, wit an added bonus of about an hour that was really bitchy.  Tomorrow will be hard because it's back to work, which will be another schedule to adjust to! Surviving so far.

30 days of . . .

NOT SMOKING.

There. I said it. I could count on all my fingers and toes, and the fingers and toes of several other people, just how many times I've said I was going to quit smoking. I've tried medication, the patch, nicotine gum, hypnotism, electronic cigs . . . and I've quit for a week, a month, once even for over a year. But the nicodemon always draws me back in.

Then I went and signed up for a triathalon. Yes . . . I'm going to have to swim, bike and run my way to a finish line. And I can't do that if I smoke. The most motivated I've ever been to quit was when I quit smoking before my bariatric surgery - if any nicotine was found in my system, the surgery was off. Quitting was not easy, but was also the only option I had. I don't think I can train for this triathalon as a smoker. And I need to do this triathalon.

So . . . for the next 30 days, no smoking. I'm going to wear a nicotine patch, chew nicotine gum as needed and try not to eat everything in sight. Along the way, I hope to explore why I have such an emotional and identity attachment to smoking. And I'll probably be bitchy for a while. That'll be fun . . .

Day 30!

I realized after posting the previous entry, that this is day 30 - the last day of the grateful posts. I feel a bit like I cheated the system - not posting for 10 dang days.

What have I learned from this last 30 days? That it's very, very easy to think of things to be grateful for - which shows just how blessed I am. I've also learned that I need to make a conscious choice to recognize what I'm grateful for, or I can take it for granted.

I'm going to take a few weeks before starting the next 30 day challenge. I've already decided what it's going to be . . . but I'm not ready to say it out loud yet.

I really suck at this blogging thing . . . but I'm still GRATEFUL

Life got a little busy . . . and though I didn't keep up with the blogging, I sure kept up with the grateful thoughts. What has been dominating them for the last 10 days? This . . .

This is my amazing forensics team. We hosted the American Forensics Association National Individual Events Tournament . . .

And placed 16th in the nation. So proud.

Here's just a small list of things I've been grateful for through this nationals experience: Comfy hotel beds, a cute new dress, warm weather, flip flops, pillow fights, grilled cheese sandwiches, Tivo, an amazing dog sitter, Alumni who remind me it's not just about the trophies, Tequila Rose, and a forensics team who risked disappointment because they believed in themselves enough.

But I'm especially grateful for this incredible group of seniors. It breaks my heart to think of them being done, but I can't wait to see the amazing places that life takes them!

Days 16-20 GRATEFUL for lots 'o stuff

Yikes. How did the time get away from me? Let's play catch-up . . .

Day 16 - Grateful for a furnace that works
Day 17 - Grateful for the UPS guy, who never judges me
Day 18 - Grateful for a spontaneous lunch with friends
Day 19 - Grateful for the work ethic of my students

Which brings us to .. . Day 20, and I'm grateful for my cooking talents.

Working full time teaching, and then add 27 hours of working at my other job on the weekend, makes for a very tired me . . . so I'm not very blog-tastic at the moment . . .

Day 15 - GRATEFUL for a washing machine

I remember the days of lugging baskets of laundry to the laundromat. I liked to go on Sunday morning so I could use 3 or 4 machines at once. I always tried to take grading or other work to do - but it was still such an inconvenience. I'm SO grateful I have a washer and dryer right outside my bedroom. The laundry may pile up for a couple of weeks, but I can put in load after load while in my pajamas and get other stuff done around the house as well.

That's all . . . got to go put in another load . . .

Day 14 - GRATEFUL for DVR

Which I am getting caught up with this evening . . .

Days 12 & 13 - GRATEFUL for sleep & speeches

Friday was a loooooooong ass day. Worked at MR (a phone answering service) from 6am-2pm, then had the start of our forensics work weekend from 5-9pm. I was so grateful for the hour-long nap I squeezed in, well, I could have cried.


Today, I was incredibly grateful I got to sleep in. I had to be up at 7am, but that's an hour longer than I usually get to sleep! Listened to forensics kids all day, and I'm looking forward to getting to bed early so I can be up early again tomorrow.


Life is good when I can find the time to sleep . . . ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Days 10 & 11 - GRATEFUL for efficiency

Yesterday was such a busy day at work, but I was able to get a TON of grading done. I was so grateful for having the time to catch up!

Today I spent the evening getting my taxes done. Again - so grateful I had the time to do it!!!

Day 9 - GRATEFUL for my child-with-fur

This is Buffy. You might call her a dog. But you'd be wrong.

She is my child-with-fur, my PITA (pain-in-the-ass), my fur-baby. She likes to drink my coffee and chew on kleenex. She hates snow and loves napping in a puddle of sunlight. She hogs the bed and steals the covers. She hates being awakened from a nap. She'll lick the face off of anyone who will let her on their lap. She buries dog biscuits in the couch and dances in circles for a Pupperoni. She sometimes attacks the TV when she sees another dog on it. She has patiently let nieces and nephews pull her ears and chew on her tail. She is terrified of the linoleum floor in the kitchen and is happiest curled up next to me on the sofa. During my darkest days, I knew when I got home I could count on her to cuddle on my lap. For 12 years she has blessed me with her patience, trust and unconditional love.

She's not just a dog . . . and for that, I'm grateful.

Day 8 - GRATEFUL for inspiration

It's no secret that I really, really love my job. One reason is that I get to work with a very dear woman. K-Mo (her nickname) is one of the most organized, passionate, hard working, loyal, honest and beautiful women I know. She is an amazing wife and mother. She is unabashadly ethical. She is book-smart, street-smart and common-sense smart. She is funny as hell and has a laugh that invites you to join in.

K-Mo, I'm grateful to have you as a colleague and friend. You inspire me in ways I can't begin to articulate.

Day 7 - GRATEFUL for sunshine

After a week of gloomy, rainy days . . . the sun shone and it was 60 degrees. It's almost 7pm and it's still light outside. My mood jumped from content to HAPPY!!!

Day 6 - GRATEFUL for High Heels

I love wearing high heels. There is something incredibly powerful about being able to navigate the twists and turns of daily life while balancing on toothpick stilts. Pointy toed, wedged, platform, peep-toe. This seemingly bottom part of my wardrobe has the biggest influence on my mood. Heels can make me feel flirty or sexy or demanding, and the clip-clip-clipety clack of my heel on the pavement sets a beat to live by.

Why do I get such joy from the superficial gleam of patent leather pumps? Because they make me feel ALIVE. For years, I was simply too big to wear high heels. I once broke a pair of shoes because they couldn't hold me up. I shuffeled and wobbled when I walked, and the only job my feet had were to quickly get me through a crowd so no one could stare at me too long. There was a time in my life I only had slip-on shoes because I couldn't reach my feet. I couldn't tie a pair of laces or buckle a cute T-strap.

Then my body changed and a whole world of shoe possibilites opened up. My feet didn't mind standing. Or walking up and down steps. Or being noticed. My feet might hurt after 12 hours of 4 inch heels, but they have exciting tales to tell of the sidewalks, hallways, roads, hiking trails, county fairs, malls, college campuses, and farmer's markets where they have taken me. My feet don't have to help me hide anymore. My feet want to be noticed. I want to be noticed - from head to shoe.

(For Joel - who inspired this post - I think "The KJ Museum of Shoes and Handbags" is a GREAT idea!)

Day 5 - GRATEFUL for the weather

Because it may be raining, but at least it's not snowing.

Day 4 - GRATEFUL for Tulips

An amazing surprise . . . a bouquet of orange (my favorite color) tulips (my favorite flower) sitting on my desk when I got out of class.

Thanks again to my incredible forensics kids . . . I'm humbled and honored . . .

Day 4 - GRATEFUL for Orange Slices

Some days a traditional dinner won't do . . . and on those days, candied orange slices hit the spot. Orange slices happen to be one of my dad's favorite candies, so they always make me think of him.

(And in a continuation of yesterday's post, my forensic's team brought me lunch today. I was surprised, touched and felt very, very appreciated!)

Day 3 - GRATEFUL for my team

I returned to work today after being out of commission for nearly a week. I was a little woozy on the way there, wondering how I would survive back to back lectures and coaching the rest of the day. As I came down the hall to my office, I could see something was different. Covering my office door were signs proclaiming this "coach appreciation week"!

I coach the university's forensics team and these young men and women are some of the most intelligent, funny, hard working, dedicated and determined people I know. These students inspire me, frustrate me, challenge me and teach me something new every single day. Being able to watch them grow and mature in the 4 or 5 years they are "mine" is truely one of the most precious and treasured parts of my job. And if I am some small influence in that development, well, I am honored.

Day 2 - GRATEFUL for Kleenex

I've been sick for 5 days - according to the Doctor, I have bronchitis/pneumonia. I'm on steroids, antibiotic and cough syrup with oxycodone (!) in it. I thought I was feeling better yesterday, but crashed in the evening was up coughing all night, and had a spiked fever again this morning. When I'm sick, I just want my mommy. But she is 4 states away, so I have to make do with the dog. And the Kleenex.

If I didn't have Kleenex (and I'm talking name-brand Kleenex, not Puffs or cheap Walmart brands) I would have a sore nose and be even more whiney than I am now. So thank you, Kleenex, for wiping my snotty nose, sopping up my poor-pitiful-me tears and giving my dog something to play with/shred while I was semi-conscious for the last few days.

30 days of GRATEFUL

You know those annoying people who always find the GOOD. IN. SOMETHING.!?

Yea, I'm about to become one of those. Today starts 30 days of things I'm grateful for. I don't think I'll have a problem coming up with things I'm grateful for, but I may have a hard time posting every single day.

Today, I'm grateful for arts and crafts. I live in a 3BR 2BA house and it is FULL to the brim. I'm feeling hemmed in and after watching 8 Tivo'ed episodes of A&Es Hoarders, realized I may have a borderline issue . . . so I've decided I'm going to go all Feng Shui on my shit - starting with the Craft Room. Uh-huh . . . I have a whole room devoted to crafts. It's supposed to be a guest room. It has a bed, so it barely qualifies. Every other square inch holds remnants of the many, many, many craft phases I've gone through.

Tacky plastic canvas from the 1980's? Yep, still have patterns and samples. Doll Making from the 1990's? Still have a whole box of doll hair and doll eyes. Christmas ornament bead kits? Check. Cross stitch? Check. Flower Making? Check. Embroidery? Sewing crafts? Clothes sewing? Rug making? Crocheting? Jewelry Making? Card Making? Scrapbooking? Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Name the craft and I've probably gone through a phase with it.

And now I'm throwing it away. That's right. Trash. I can hear my mother in my ear telling me that I should Sell. It. At. A. Garage. Sale.! I don't want to. I want it gone. As I survey the 6 trash bags I've filled so far, I realize that this carnage of craft history tells a story that I don't know anymore. It's the story of a lonely woman who wanted to make people love her by making them things that would be worthy of their love. I don't think I could recognize that people would love me for who I am.

I am 44 years old and I don't feel compelled to glue and sew and rhinestone my life together anymore. Some days are sparkly as a sequin and some days are knotted up like tangled embroidery floss, but I see the value in both of those creative messes. I wouldn't be able to appreciate color if some days weren't sepia toned . . . and I'll appreciate the space of my guest room now that I've known the clutter of the craft room.